Even in the Darkness

Letting God do His work, His way.

This week, I am testing the waters by recording myself reading my essay. A dear friend with Dyslexia told me this would be a big help to her and an improvement over the standard robot voice supplied by Substack. So, here goes! Bear with me…I’m learning!

To listen, just click the green arrow on the media player below.

~Jeanine

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Photo by Mike Labrum on Unsplash

Even darkness is not dark to You,

And the night is as bright as the day.

Darkness and light are alike to You.

Psalms 139:12 (NASB 2020)

I have spent the past two weekends in North Carolina. Two different hotels in two different cities. The first weekend was filled with basketball and laughter with really tall boys, but also long stretches of alone time where I had space to think. The second weekend was a bluster of activity and inspiration (and good food!) at the She Speaks writer’s conference hosted by Proverbs 31 Ministries. In both cities, in very different circumstances, I was reminded of something important:

There is value in both solitude and community, silence and enthusiastic conversation, and there is value in both darkness and light.

I remember being young and afraid of the dark. I feared what lurked in the shadows. As I grew older, I no longer needed a night light but eventually developed another, deeper fear.

I feared the dark night of the soul. I didn’t necessarily have the vocabulary for that fear at the time, but I knew I didn’t like hard. I didn’t want unpleasant surprises or interruptions to my plans.

But despite my best efforts to avoid the night, I have found myself in it’s shadows over and over again. I find myself in it today, in this season of life where many things are unknown and unresolved, where people I love with my whole heart are distant and unreachable, where fear tempts me to wrench control from the hands of a loving God and try to take matters into mine.

That never ends well.

What is it we fear in the darkness? I believe it is the things we cannot see. God gives me enough light to take one step at a time, but I want more. I want promises that everything will turn out ok, that my prayers will be answered with a hearty yes, and that I will look back on the hard days and say I would happily do it all again. I want to be assured this is the last time, and that from here on out I can count on smooth sailing. I long to be free from doubt, insecurity, fear, and pain on this side of the veil…to see clearly and break out into a run into the bright future that lies ahead.

But at fifty-two, I am finally realizing the importance of being present and attuned to the now. I have to trust the future to my Father. Like my mom used to say when I was overcome with what-if’s…Don’t borrow trouble.

So do not worry about tomorrow; for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.

Matthew 6:34 (NASB 2020)

Paul knew the secret to living well. He knew trying to figure out and plan for the future only brings anxiety. The what-if’s can be crippling and, like Wm. Paul Young often says, I am often guilty of “future-tripping.”

But God is not waiting out there, in the light, beckoning me to come where He is. He is here, in the darkness with me…within me. And in this dark place, I remember, “God is Light, and in Him there is no darkness at all” (1 John 1:5). If God is within me, then even in the deepest darkness the Light surrounds me. The challenge lies in having eyes to see it. But even if I refuse to see, turning inward in the fruitless attempt to gain control, the truth of the presence of His light does not change.

For even when I have no faith, He is faithful…

If we are faithless, He remains faithful, for He cannot deny Himself.

2 Timothy 2:13 (NASB 2020)

Read that again, friend. His faithfulness does not, and has never, depended on me. Christ is in us, and He cannot deny Himself.

So what does all this mean? It means I can rest in who I am and who He is in me, even when all hell is breaking loose around me. I can stop trying to claw my way out of the pit, and let Him do what needs to be done to lift me out with Him by my side. I can open my eyes in the darkness, and see because the Light shines within even the blackest, scariest, inkiest darkness, and that darkness does not, cannot, overcome or overpower it (1 John 1:5). Look around. Notice. What is God doing here? What is He teaching me? How am I growing that would not otherwise be possible? What am I learning about Father, Son, and Spirit as they meet me in the darkness? What am I

learning about grace and the unconditional love of God?

And when I am finally past the struggle of this season, what will I know that I did not know before? What will I be able to share with those who still wait for release from their pain? How will God use my story to point you to Him, the One who promises to one day make all things new?

I don’t have all the answers to these questions. Not yet. But I do know this–truth I have learned over many years of walking, stumbling, doubting, fighting, and shaking my fist at God when I didn’t get what I wanted–When God said He is Love, He meant it. He loves you. He loves me. He loves my kids, my husband, and our aging parents. He loves every person in my life who is struggling with the darkness that seems to have overtaken this world.

And I know He is good. He has always and only ever been good. I can trust Him.

These things I have spoken to you so that in Me you may have peace. In the world you have tribulation, but take courage; I have overcome the world.

John 16:33 (NASB 2020)

The words of Jesus. Thanks be to God.

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